The Blood on My Hands

Darkness
The blood swishes through my brain’s twisted vines
Throbbing, huuu-aahh, a consuming ache
I press my hands to my face, begging, pleading the pain to leave and let me be
What  .  .  .  Is that  .  .  .  .
Sweat, it must be sweat
Oh God, the nausea
My innards are determined to be expelled from my body
Trembling, heaving, sweating
It’s so dark, my senses escape me
Ahh-huuhhuh, please what is that
So sticky, my hands
Let me see
Some blessed force bestows light upon me
Oh no, nonononono  .  .  .  .
Uhuh, ahhuh  .  .  .  .
The incessant screams are purged from my being
Explicitly, the intense light steals my vision from me
My pulsing head flashes the image before me
light skin light hands light blood light dripping blood light unnatural blood light
I feel faint, spinning, twirling
How  .  .  .  .
It can’t be  .  .  .  .  Stop it, please stop
The implication of evil wrongness profoundly horrifies me
I can’t control my overwhelming breathing
The rushing air scratches my bare throat
Uhahh, ahh-huh, huh-huhh
I can’t breathe  .  .  .  . Please help, get me help
The guilt, such guilt for a crime unknown
Shaking, shivering, collapsing
The blood, so bright, so deleterious
I try to understand though knowledge is whimsical
Fleeing through my vision, tickling my skin to exhaustion, brushing my ears
I stare so hard as the blood consumes my pupils
Remorseful tears do not enlighten my blinded eyes
And the blood on my hands stains me
Always there, glaring at me, making me quiver in shame
And the blood on my hands is my birthmark
Labeling me, reminding me of my wrongfulness
And the blood on my hands is mine,
Mine, and mine alone

All That Hope

It was dangled in before me
Like a precious gift
An unsolicited gift
Closer, closer
I can see it clearly
It's transparent
I want to touch it
But it's just out of reach
I realize it is, in fact,
Invisible
I know it's there
But I can't see it
I want it now dearly, fervently
I step closer and lift my arms
My hands grasp where it should be
But it's not there
There is nothing there
There is nothing

All that hope
Placed before me, in my path
All that hope
For something I could never have
All that hope
Slammed me to the ground so fast
All that hope
For which I had never asked
All that hope
Shattered all that life would have left intact
All that hope

Impulse

Impulse

thump
thump
thmp thmp
thmthmthmthmp

thrash bash smash!

"Hi!"
"Hello."
"How are you today?"
"Just fine."
"Just fine?! Why not great?"
Too many smiles
No no no no no!

grab jab stab!

Ubiquitous nosy eyes
Trying to analyze
Please don't look
I'll hide in this nook
But They won't stop
My pulse pops

lash mash gash!

They search for me
thump
Oh no, now They see
thump
Nearer, They're almost here
thmp thmp
Too close, too much fear
"Hey, how's it goin'?"
thmthmthmthmp!

Wuerde

Wenn ich juenger waere

wuerde es noch Zeit geben

Wenn ich aelter waere

wuerde ich mich schon entschieden

Wenn ich gesund waere

wuerde es keine Schmerzen geben

Wenn ich kaputt waere

koennte ich mich aufloesen

Wenn ich anfinge

wuerde es noch Moeglichkeiten geben

Wenn ich fertig waere

koennte ich mich entspannen

Wenn ich glueklich waere

wuerde ich angenommen sein

Wenn ich verwuestet waere

haette ich einen Grund

Wenn ich unehrlich waere

wuerde es leicht sein

Wenn ich wahrhaftig

wuerden sie mich fuerchten

Aber ich bin nicht juenger oder aelter

Gesund oder kaputt

Gluecklich oder verwuestet

Doch ich bin schuldig

und weiss nicht warum